And not only are albums still being made – great ones are at that! Here are ten that came out in 2011 that merit your attention.

10) Gillian Welch – The Harrow and The Harvest

Is eight years between albums too long to wait? Not if you love to be tortured – and if torture is your bag then you probably love Gillian Welch anyway. The brooding rootsy folk that was so evident on her landmark album Time (The Revelator) is back again – maybe even more so. Quiet, thoughtful and so Americana it feels as if you have entered a time machine – Gillian is one fine songwriter whose sparse arrangements and well crafted vocals fit the literary expansiveness of the songs. Not exactly country, not quite bluegrass, and with a nice slice of Dylan thrown in, The Harrow and The Harvest could be one of the finest records of ….1930?

 9) Adele -21

Okay – I’ll admit that despite the hype and seemingly constant airplay I’ve only listened to this one a few times. But even though it’s not my kind of music, there is simply no denying that voice. With way too many Amy-wannabees coming out of the UK, Adele is the real deal and so is her breakthrough album.

8) Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds

The question that had to be raised by the long-awaited split of Oasis has been definitively answered. Brother Liam’s band Beady Eye (with most of the remaining Oasis members) is boring and predictable while brother Noel has continued in the crank-it-up-and-enjoy-the-music Oasis tradition. The fact that he channels his old band’s best moments along with Sgt. Pepper era Beatles doesn’t hurt at all.

7) Wilco – The Whole Love

It would be pretty tough for America’s best band to keep getting better, but it’s also tough not to be pleased with an album that combines the styles of their entire bipolar discography into one happy (well, for Wilco anyway) package.  The leadoff track “Art Of Almost” may finally answer the previously impossible to answer “What does Wilco sound like?”

6) Raphael Saadiq – Stone Rollin’

If you’ve ever proclaimed “They’re sure not making music like they used to” – this album is for you. It’s an instant Stax/ Motown/ Atlantic soul music party, which sounds both retro and modern at the same time. It simply hits a groove, rocks like crazy, changes it around, and never lets up.

 5) Belle Brigade – Belle Brigade

There’s something special about the way siblings harmonize. The Andrews Sisters, Louvin Brothers and Don and Phil Everly had it, and so do California honky-tonkers Barbara and Ethan Gruska. But they’re just as much Beatles as they are Flying Burrito Brothers, and that’s what make this album a must listen, must dance to and must play over and over again one. It’s the unheralded album of the year.

4) Lucinda Williams – Blessed

Lucinda’s voice sounds like she has gargled with more gravel than usual, and its open expressiveness fits this set of sorry tales perfectly. Many are mid-tempo with no verse or chorus to speak of, and the Dylanesque style suits her well. What really makes this one stand out though is the amazing, blistering, crackling guitar playing of both Elvis Costello and Matthew Sweet. Play it loudly and you may check your speakers to see if they are torn.

3) The Decemberists – The King Is Dead

After their experimental (ummm….boring) song cycle The Hazards Of Love, the hyper-literate Oregonians are back with one of their best yet. Sure – Colin Melloy’s lyrics may still make you reach for a dictionary, but the accompanying melodies are now more REM jangle than 21^st century Moody Blues ( Peter Buck’s signature guitar work is actually heard on a few tracks!) It’s intelligent to the brink of pretentious, but lots of fun nonetheless.

2) Fountains Of Wayne – Sky Full Of Holes

The band that should be blasting out of every car but isn’t has not given up; their fifth studio album may be their best yet. Clever wordplay, funny stories, and power-pop melodies are all part of the FOW formula and they are here in spades. Their arrangements are crisper than in the past, adding a more complex edge to the often cynical lyrics and smirky melodies. “Road Song” – one of the album’s highlights – even manages to breathe not only life but also giggles into the overdone band-on-the-road tune. Between that and the assorted con artists, alcoholics, hipsters, lovelorn and confused who are written about, we are all sure to find a bit of ourselves (or someone we know) put to irresistible pop melodies.

 1)   Dawes – Nothing Is Wrong

Upon the first few listens it becomes obvious why Dawes was asked to back Robbie Robertson (The Band) and managed to score a guest vocal from Jackson Browne on the song “Fire Away.” But keep playing it and it becomes even more apparent that these guys from the North Hills / Laurel Canyon area of Los Angeles have stepped outside of their roots for an original and updated sound – or at the very least have managed to combine the best of all worlds. The insightful lyrics (check out “A Little Bit Of Everything”), layered harmonies and instrumental prowess make this an album for the ages – one that sounds vintage and fresh all at once. Only their second album, these guys can play, write, harmonize and most of all, show why music is such an important part of our emotional well being. If you love your rock and roll with a quieter, introspective edge and have not heard Dawes – please don’t complain that there is no good music coming out any more!

Most live albums follow a pretty simple formula. Capture a “Greatest Hits” style performance, throw in a few rarities or weird cover versions to make it interesting, wind the songs up with some extended solos or introductions, place in some semi-witty stage banter, crank up the crowd noise at just the right moments and boom! – you’ve got yourself a live album!

Not that there is anything wrong with that formula – there have been some truly great live albums over the years using exactly that.  But what is actually the greatest live album of all time? In my opinion, it’s one that doesn’t follow that formula at all.

But first, a quick personal story. On August 27, 1977, I had the pleasure of seeing one of my favorite musicians, Jackson Browne, at Merriweather Post Pavilion in Columbia, MD. It was a fantastic show – Jackson in great form with the best touring band of the late 70s doing a well thought-out mix of crowd favorites, album cuts and a few new numbers including a song near the end of the show dedicated to the crew who sets up and tears down the equipment. Jackson said it was the first time he had ever played it in public – and it totally brought the house down, especially when he asked all of us to “Stay – just a little bit longer.”

It was almost a perfect evening, the only distraction being an over-zealous fan sitting right behind me who didn’t understand that concerts are planned events and that all of her screaming would not get Jackson to change the setlist. Nevertheless, I endured the entire show with her yelling “Road And The Sky” in my ear the whole time – hoping that JB would play that classic from the Late For The Sky album. He didn’t.

Fast forward a few months to December 6, 1977. The new Jackson Browne album comes out and I skip class to rush to the record store in order to be the first person to hear it. With eager anticipation I place it on the turntable and immediately notice that it is a live album. The first thing I hear? That woman who was sitting behind me screaming “Road And The Sky!!”

The album in this story is “Running On Empty” – in my opinion the greatest live album ever made. It is the rare live album that is both a concept album and one made up of songs never before heard on any previous Jackson Browne records.

The concept? Record an album about what it is like to be on the road in a rock and roll band – the good, bad and ugly. Record the songs not just from the stage but from hotel rooms, backstage rehearsal areas and even as on the song “Nothing But Time” – on a Silver Eagle Tour bus as the band travels from Maine to New Jersey.

The songs here really do tell the story – the thrills and spills of growing up as a touring musician (Running On Empty), sad tales of a minor league musician going through the motions (The Road), the woes of a truck driver (Shaky Town)  – even a hilarious story of a roadie pleasing himself in his hotel room because the drummer stole the girl he had his eye on (Rosie).

Simply put, there has never been another live album like it. Since all of the songs are new to the album (and everyone of them is a winner!), there aren’t any twenty minute bloated drum solos or sped up versions of songs you are already sick of. The recording quality is excellent, the band top-notch, and the concept wholly original, Running On Empty is a live album which stands above all others and sounds even better today than it did upon its release over thirty years ago.

So there you have it. My vote for the best live album ever? Jackson Browne’s Running On Empty. Yours?

Admittedly this list reflects the mood I was in on that particular day, but I found it interesting that all of these songs were, well, old! Either we all have an extreme fondness for the music we listened to as youngsters or it takes a song many years to become an all time favorite. My guess is a combination of both, and I would welcome the chance to do “Favorite Songs Of  The Past Ten Years.” So alas – my list contains no Wilco, Guster, Rhett Miller, Ben Kweller, Radiohead or many other artists who have taken up most of my listening recently – although I was pretty tempted to put “Maybe Tonight” by Nicole Atkins on the list since I’ve probably played it 1000 times in the past year and a half.

In any case – here is the list. The only other surprise was how “obvious” these songs turned out to be. While hundreds of obscurities flashed through my head – the really great ones seem to hold their place in history. Also, these are in no particular order. Well, except for the bookends.

“Thunder Road” – Bruce Springsteen

From the lonesome harmonica at the start to the blaring sax at the end, this song says everything that needs to be said in rock and roll in under five minutes. Cars? Check. Girls? Check? Stark highways, the confusion of adolescence, busting out of your hometown, growing up, magic in the night, last chances, playing the guitar, loneliness – it’s all there.  And is there a better ending line anywhere? This could be one of the most powerful songs AND performances of all time. Actually, I will go out on a limb and say that Thunder Road defines and personifies rock music and as such is the greatest rock and roll song of all time.

“You’re Gonna Make Me Lonesome When You Go” – Bob Dylan

Dylan is the best there ever was and the best that will ever be, and Blood On The Tracks is the greatest of the many masterpieces he painted. This song is classic Bob – a bittersweet love song with not much structure to speak of, the simplest of melodies, lyrics that change their meaning depending on your mood, and oohhh, that voice!

“Dialogue Parts One And Two” – Chicago

Before they became the dreadful MOR band they are today, Chicago was a creative powerhouse with a loaded deck of ace musicians. (Jimi Hendrix himself once declared Terry Kath’s guitar skills superior to his.) This song shows everything that was great about the band EXCEPT Terry’s screaming solos (see 25 Or 6 To 4 for that!) – including Peter Cetera’s incredibly underrated bass playing and vocals - a real powerful band at their creative peak.

“Midnight Train To Georgia” – Gladys Knight And The Pips

Gladys Knight And The Pip’s defection from Motown to Buddha started (and ended!) with a bang. Midnight Train To Georgia shows off everything that was great about AM radio soul in the early 70’s. The story of heartbreak, compromise and reconciliation, The Pips harmonizing “whoo whoo” like they ARE the unstoppable train, and of course Gladys’ incomparable vocals. This could be my favorite song of all time.

“Tiny Dancer” – Elton John

It’s easy to think of Elton John as a crazy flamboyant parody of rock star excess who is a little light on credibility. But from 1970 (Tumbleweed Connection) through 1975 (Captain Fantastic) he put out seven albums in a row where practically every track was a standout. While Tiny Dancer may be as perfect a pop song as anyone could muster, there are a dozen more that could easily be mentioned.

“The Fuse” – Jackson Browne

No one combines laid back California and thinking man’s rock like Jackson Browne. His strong sense of melody, insightful lyrics and choice of outstanding musicians such as David Lindley, Russ Kunkel and Leland Sklar make him a constant “go-to” in the listening rotation. The first track on The Pretender, his most solid album, sounds as fresh and relevant as ever more than thirty years on.

“Thick As A Brick” – Jethro Tull

Poetic prodigy Gerald “Little Milton” Bostock writes a twisted prize-winning poem and multi-instrumentalist composer Ian Anderson puts it to music to much public dismay – that actually doesn’t sound too promising. But that is the concept of this mother-of-all concept albums, and Ian pulls it off with a blend of acoustic, electric, Celtic, chamber music and more; one song covering two album sides with interwoven themes and reprisals. Before the bombastic overload of ELP, Yes, Genesis, Gentle Giant et. al. gave British prog-rock a bad name, Thick As A Brick served as a landmark in musical experimentation. 

“Anthem” – Leonard Cohen

Leonard Cohen has been described as “The Canadian Bob Dylan” – and for better or worse it is a scarily accurate title. One big difference – Cohen has few throwaways in his catalog. It is rumored that he spends up to three years handcrafting each song and that the oft-covered “Hallelujah” will never actually be finished. The chorus of Anthem sums him up nicely –

“Ring the bells that still can ring
Forget your perfect offering
There is a crack in everything
That’s how the light gets in…..”

“Follow You All Over The World” – Marti Jones

Don’t know whatever happened to Marti Jones, but this song alone should have cemented her greatness. It’s a simple love song – unabashed, shameless and possibly politically incorrect – and one that could stir up feelings in a doorknob. While it doesn’t have the raw emotion of something like “If I Were Your Woman” by Gladys Knight (was I allowed to mention her again??) it really shows how beautiful and strong a simple unadorned song can be. Blissful and refreshing – and one every acoustic guitarist should learn.

“Alison” – Elvis Costello

This deceptively complex song, both musically and lyrically, began what has been a career of true genius. Elvis has penned so many classics over the years it is tough to pick, but this is where it began and shows off his specialty – making a pop song go deep – really deep. Elvis Costello is a different kind of king.

“Spanish Bombs” – The Clash

Okay – this is actually a vote for the entire London Calling album, but since this list has to be songs, Spanish Bombs gets the nod by a hair. For a short burningly bright time, The Clash’s combination of punk, pop, reggae, dance hall, and who knows what else really did make them “The Only Band That Matters.” More politically overt than their predecessors, The Clash made raw emotional music that was backed up by incredible arrangements and a sense of melody that overcame Joe Strummer’s non-singing, which made The Clash not only the best punk band ever but one of the greatest bands in the history of rock music.

“God Only Knows” – The Beach Boys

Pet Sounds is one of those rare albums that actually lives up to the ridiculous amount of praise the critics heap upon it. The Beach Boys’ Brian Wilson described his music as “teenage symphonies to God” – and one listen to God Only Knows shows exactly what he meant.

“The Message” – Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five

Before rap was about pimps, hos, gangstas and boasting, it was a vibrant art form whose lyrical expression had no limits. The Message is not just a rap classic – it is a pop culture landmark. It is just impossible to listen to this song without feeling the pain of growing up in the ghetto and catching the groove at the same time.

“Living For The City” – Stevie Wonder

At once beautiful and gritty, “Living For The City” shows all of Stevie Wonder’s talents in a mini-opus. The masterful singing, incredible playing, a way of arranging music that would eventually be imitated by all of his peers, story telling and of course his soaring voice – this is a song that spotlights one of the greatest musical legends of our era. The fact that he wrote the music and lyrics, sang most of the parts and played all of the instruments would be an amazing achievement even if he were not blind.

“Dr. Wu” – Steely Dan

If an alien landed on Earth and asked “What does Steely Dan sound like?” – Dr. Wu is the song to play them. Like sex, or maybe extracting a tooth, Steely Dan is all about tension and release both musically and lyrically. Dr. Wu’s cryptic tale is classic Dan – drug deals gone wrong, mysterious characters doing bad things, heartbreak and mistrust, all taking place on the seedy side of town. Musically it’s classic Dan as well – the subtle buildup to the sly album title reference – “Katy lies – you can see it in her eyes…..” blows your mind without even letting you know.

“Ain’t No Sunshine” – Bill Withers

What’s so great about this song? I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know, I know. Do you?

“Brown Sugar” – The Rolling Stones

A great rock and roll song is often defined by a killer opening riff. “Smoke On The Water,” “Sunshine Of Your Love,” “Johnny B. Goode” and many others make you stand up and take notice in the first five seconds. Best of all could be Keith Richards’ open tuned Telecaster banging out the signature chords to “Brown Sugar.” This song is the definition of rock and roll. Nasty lyrics, Bobby Keys’ gritty sax solo and that Mick guy didn’t hurt things much either.

“Love Grows Where My Rosemary Goes” – Edison Lighthouse

If you grew up in the late 60s and early 70s with a transistor radio under your pillow tuned to the local AM top 40 station, it would have been hard to escape the pleasure of one hit (and sometimes two or three hit) wonders. These incredibly well crafted pop songs just flew out of your radio and into your head, where they would remain for decades. “Love Grows” is one of the best, but it could easily be “Tracy” by The Cuff Links, “My Baby Loves Lovin’” by White Plains, “Signs” by The Five Man Electrical Band, “The Rain, The Park and Other Things” by The Cowsills, “Gimme Gimme Good Lovin’” by Crazy Elephant, “Green Tambourine” by The Lemon Pipers, “Build Me Up Buttercup” by The Foundations, “Dancing In The Moonlight” by King Harvest…and the list goes on.

“I Want You Back” – The Jackson 5

The Jackson 5’s first single found them and Motown at the top of the game. This song has the hook of all hooks – the chord progression in the chorus could be one of the best in rock and roll history. The arrangements, both instrumental and vocal, along with incredible song writing and of course the memorable bass playing of James Jamerson make this a song that can’t leave your head. Bonus: The slightly punky version by Graham Parker and The Rumour shows this song sounds great in any genre.

“Abbey Road- side 2 (You Never Give Me Your Money through Her Majesty)” – The Beatles

Is this one song or many? Who cares about technicalities when you’re talking about the finest work from the band that will forever stay at the toppermost of the poppermost? After doing everything that could be done in a short seven year career (Rubber Soul, Revolver, Sgt. Pepper and The White Album had already raised the musical bar so high that another huge achievement seemed unlikely) and practically imploding during the Let It Be sessions – the Beatles swan song Abbey Road serves the band well as a final statement. Do you remember the first time you heard this? The famous Abbey Road medley has aged beautifully and is a fitting tribute to the best band ever. Simply an amazing experience for any rock fan.

So – there is my Top Twenty – but it has already changed. Oh well – that is why we love debating, categorizing and most of all, experiencing musc.

Rich

On Monday September 21st at 6:00 PM, Bedtime For Jack will be playing a benefit for The American Heart Association at The Austin Grill in Canton (Baltimore). This is a charity that is really important to me, and I hope that you can join us!!

If you’re not sure, please see what others are saying about this event:

“Turn it down or I will shove that #&*$%@ guitar down your #&*$% throat!”
Serena Williams

“That song is in G minor? You lie!!!”
Congressman Joe Wilson

“Bedtime For Jack is good, but Mr. Wilson is the best band ever! The best band ever!!!”
Kanye West

Admission includes a wine tasting, Southwestern buffet, and possibly best of all, the music of Bedtime For Jack!! It is just $40.00 and benefits the American Heart Association. But if you are still “on the fence,” please consider this.

It’s a Monday night, so you are not doing anything anyway.

You can drink wine, listen to BFJ, and write the thing off*.

You will be contributing to a great cause.

We will stop sending out emails if it sells out, so you will be helping others by signing up now.

 Hope to see you there!!

 Rich

 Bedtime For Jack is:

Craig Gendler – bass
Danny Goldberger – guitar and vocals
Mark Levy - percussion and vocals
Richard Madow – vocals and guitar

*Please check with your tax advisor, H & R Block.

But perhaps the most abused and often misunderstood right is The Right To Be An A-Hole. And damn it, no one can ever take that right away!

I was reminded of this special privilege after attending a concert a short time ago. It was truly amazing how many people just seemed so intent on making other people around them miserable. But maybe I should give them the benefit of the doubt and just hope that no one ever sat down and explained to them that there are laws and there are rules – and you need to know both. The difference is that breaking a law (robbing a bank with a water pistol, for example) can land you in the clink, while breaking a societal rule (cutting in front of others in line and the like) just makes you one who is exercising the aforementioned right that began this chautauqua.

So as a service to society, I am proud to present:

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette.

Now these rules are different than things that just make you look like a moron but don’t really hurt anyone else. For example, everyone who’s anyone knows that you don’t wear a t-shirt to a concert that includes the name of the band that is performing. After all, if you weren’t a fan of that band, you wouldn’t be there in the first place! This is called a “T-Shirt Violation” and is a total sin and sign of ignorance amongst concert insiders. (By the way, this also includes, for example, things such as wearing a Led Zeppelin shirt to a Robert Plant/Alison Krauss show, or to make matters worse, a shirt that looks brand new but says “Led Zeppelin World Tour 1972” on it. This violation is wrong in so many ways that it barely warrants a mention. But back to the topic at hand…)

Things like t-shirt violations, while good for a few laughs from the true aficionados, aren’t really breaking etiquette rules because they don’t bother anyone else. But breaking the Rules Of Concert Etiquette actually diminishes the enjoyment of others. So let’s get on to-

The Rules Of Concert Etiquette

Rule # 1: Know When To Stand And When To Sit

At certain shows, maybe like AC/DC,The Killers or a show at a small venue with no seats, it is totally acceptable to stand for the entire show. But at less raucous type events, other than standing as part of an ovation or maybe during an encore, it is usually best to sit. As a rule of thumb, if everyone around you is sitting and you are standing – you are bothering them!

Recently I was unfortunate enough to witness a big sweaty dude right in front of the stage who was standing during the entire show, and not even multiple yells of “Down in front!” or the pleading of an usher would get him to sit down. To make matters worse (much worse) he was making these crazy kind of dance-like motions the whole time, even during the very slow songs, which resembled a grand mal epileptic seizure. I didn’t know if I should have called over security or a doctor! Unfortunately, this one jerk thought it was his private show and ruined it for many others.

Rule # 2: Don’t Try To Join The Band From Your Seat

Yes – I’m sure that you have an amazing singing voice and know every word to the songs of your favorite artist, but please save it for the car, shower, or your nearby karaoke bar. Unless the performing artist is encouraging a sing-a-long, keep your mouth shut.

Many years ago, when I was younger and braver (or stupider, as the case probably was) I was at a Jackson Browne show and the guy next to me was singing along so loudly I could barely hear good old J.B. So I turned to him and said,

“Hey dude – I can hear you sing any day of the week, but Jackson Browne is only in town for one night.”

Fortunately he took the hint and stopped singing instead of punching my lights out.

The same rule goes for doing anything else that makes it seem as if you are in the band. One time this chick who sat next to me was clapping along to every song so loudly I swear she had microphones installed in her hands and was wired through the house sound system. It would have been no less annoying had I brought my Fender Telecaster and a portable amplifier to the show and played along.

Rule # 3: Sit In Your Own Seat

The tickets have designated sections, rows and seat numbers. If you couldn’t get to the internet on time or were too cheap to call your local scalper….ummmm…. I mean ticket broker, then just sit in your crappy nosebleeds and make the best of it. Don’t sit in someone else’s seat and then act surprised when they show up. It’s just annoying.

Rule # 4: Shut The Hell Up!!

You wouldn’t go to a play or a movie and sit there not paying attention and yapping to your friends all night. Well, just because a concert is loud, talking during the show still annoys people. And that counts for the opening act as well. Show the artist some respect! If you don’t care about the opening act and want to talk, stay in the parking lot or go out to the foyer. There are some people in there called music fans who enjoy hearing an act they may not be familiar with. And don’t forget – whoever your favorite band or artist is, they were once an opener. After all, Jimi Hendrix once opened for The Monkees, Bruce Springsteen once opened for Chicago, The Who once opened for Herman’s Hermits, and Wilco once opened for Bedtime For Jack. (Well, maybe the last one was my fantasy, but the others are true.) You never know what great band of the future you may be seeing.

Rule # 5: Keep Your Intoxication Level To A Minimum

Sure – some people like to have a drink or two before a concert. But if you show up drunk off your ass, not only will you not remember the show, you will make a fool of yourself and annoy everyone around you.

Rule # 6: – Stay In Your Seat!

Why is it that Americans cannot go for more than 45 minutes without having something to eat or drink? When you decide you just can’t live without that hot dog and Coke for another second and have to make an entire row stand up to let you out, you may be interrupting someone else’s favorite song. And if you’re going out for that fourth beer, just pee while you’re out of the venue instead of coming back in and then leaving again twenty minutes later.

Rule # 7: – Don’t Yell Out Requests

Unless it’s a small bar gig or a solo acoustic performance (and it’s somewhat obnoxious then as well) these highly trained professional musicians that you have paid a small fortune to see have their show planned out, including a list of songs they will be playing that night. They have sound cues, lighting cues, guitar techs, crew members, and many other things going on that follow that list. And I got news for you – Bono ain’t gonna drop everything he is doing and play “Sunday Bloody Sunday” at the wrong time just because some moron is screaming it out.

Rule # 8: – Don’t Pretend You Have ESP

Look – everyone knows that these days you can go on the internet and get setlists from previous shows on the tour. But there may be people there who don’t want to know ahead of time what songs will be played and in what order. So when you very loudly proclaim “They’re gonna play Wonderwall and then Champagne Supernova and then come back for an encore” it doesn’t make you appear any smarter and you may have just ruined a great surprise for someone. You wouldn’t sit through a showing of The Crying Game yelling “She’s got a penis!!” so don’t do it at a concert either.

Rule # 9 – “Cousin Neal’s Rule”

Getting a bunch of friends together to see a show is usually a great experience, but for the person who has (or was) volunteered to secure the tickets, it can be a pain in the ass. So – if someone else got the tickets, please please please don’t complain about anything, including the exorbitant cost of the concert, crappy location of the seats, quality of the show, the fact that Ian Anderson’s voice has gone considerably downhill, or anything else for that matter. Just thank them for doing the dirty job that no one wanted. Oh – and if you owe them money for the tickets, pay up before the show starts – in cash.

Rule # 10 – Reach A Reasonable Level Of Hygiene Before Entering The Venue

Listen up Flower Child. The 60’s are over, and these days it is the societal norm to shower daily and use deodorant. And believe me honey – that patchouli ain’t doing a thing to mask the foul odor coming from those unsightly unshaven armpits. It is tough for others to enjoy the concert if they are scowling the whole time due to someone’s severe case of bromodrosis.

Rule # 11 – The Golden Rule Of Concert Going

Concerts are a great place to cut loose, get into some fine live music and have a good time. After all, it’s only rock and roll. But if you having a good time interferes with someone else’s right to enjoy the show, you’ve gone too far. So sit down, shut up and oh-oh-oh—listen to the music. That’s what it’s all about.

First, there is something you need to know. Since the Grand Canyon is one of the most visited attractions in the world, I’m sure that many of you have been there. But if you merely went to every overlook and peered down, no matter how spectacular the views (and they are certainly real and spectacular) you haven’t really seen the canyon.

Now many would say that the best way to experience this wonder of the world is to take the two day or longer hike all the way down the Colorado River and back, and they are probably right. But just as I call a plumber when my toilet is leaking and visit a mechanic when the “check engine” light goes on in my car, I figured hey – why not leave it to the professionals? In this case that meant those famous Grand Canyon mules who have been doing this for over 100 years. (By the looks of them I think there are still a few originals in the bunch.) That’s right – why trust your own two feet when you can put your life in the hands (or actually feet) of a 1300 pound animal who had a jackass as a father and posseses the IQ of a cauliflower stalk?

If you’ve done this, you will probably know that what others have said is true – it’s the experience of a lifetime – one reason being that once you do it you will never do it again! But please do it – and make your reservations now. The groups are tiny and they book up nine months to a year in advance.

And although before mounting these massive creatures they give you an hour long safety briefing which will most likely scare the shit out of you (along with having you sign a waiver where almost every other word is “death,”) there are a few things they don’t bother telling you. Since there is no turning back, you won’t learn these things until it is too late, so as a public service announcement I’d like to let you know a few things about this crazy adventure.

- While the mules can stop and pee anytime they like, which resembles a five minute yellow thunderstorm, they encourage the riders to drink water all day long but only give you two bathroom breaks in eight hours. There is just nothing like bouncing up and down on a mule for a few miles while your bladder is about to burst.

- Speaking of body functions, some of the mules must get beans and cabbage for breakfast because a select few are constantly farting, quite noisily and odiferous. This may explain why mules don’t reproduce. Oh, and by the way, the most offensive mule will have his ass directly in front of you.

- When the mule starts goofing off, which is often, they all of a sudden look up and realize it is time to catch the herd, which results in a full out gallop (which is extra fun on a full bladder). They usually choose to do this on the part of the trail with the most hairpin turns and deadly cliff-dropping views.

- The top few miles of the trail (at least until the spring melt) are covered in ice. Hikers are required to wear crampons (sharp metal spikes on their shoes) but apparantly that rule does not apply to the mules. There is nothing quite like seeing the mule in front of you slip and slide a few feet with two of their four hooves dangling over the edge of a cliff and knowing your mule is about to do the same.

- No matter how wide the trail, mules love to walk on the outer millimeter. Since their bodies are so wide, this places you midair looking straight down into the world’s depeest canyon. One slip and you will turn into a bowl full of scenery.

- There are muscles in your body of which you are not aware. You will be after this trip.

- If you are the final mule in the pack (which should be blatantly obvious to anyone hiking the trail) fifty percent of the hikers will be asking you “Are you the last one?” It’s good to have some ready-made answers. Here are a few of my favorites.

“No – the imaginary mule behind me is.”

“Depends on which direction you are hiking.”

Point to the person in front of you and say, “No – he is.”

“Last? I prefer to be called Anchor Mule.”

“Yes. Will you vote for me?”

“Shhh….you’re getting Pancho upset.”

- When a wrangler stops for a few minutes to rest the mules, the beasts will insist on standing with their front feet on the very edge of the trail facing forward into what appears to be a solid five mile drop straight down. So if there happens to be a twig, bush, dead hiker, or anything else in front of you which resembles mule food, they will lean forward and lower their stupid mule heads, giving you a straight down in-the-air overlook of the canyon – a viewpoint which no human being was really meant to see.

- Even though they say you can’t bring anything, take along a small container of Purell. After having your hands on a mule all morning and using a toilet that is not much more than a big can in the ground, you’ll be the hero of your group when lunch is passed around. Speaking of lunch, never read the ingredients on a beef jerky label. It ain’t called jerky for nothing.

In any case, despite the smelly slipping mules and death defying views, it really was a fantastic experience. And if you are taller than 4’7″ and weigh less than 200 pounds fully clothed (and they do weigh you) – then don’t let anything stop you! Round up some family or friends and explore one of the seven natural wonders of the world on the back of a mule. It will truly be an experience you will never forget, or at least until the dementia kicks in.

Or if not this, do something else you have always wanted to do. You never know when your last chance will be. And feel free to drop me a line at rich@madow.com to tell me what you crossed of your list.

Rich

Oh – by the way, my new book, Is Your Frog Boiling? has been getting more positive feedback than ever! To take the “Froggy Quiz” to find out if your own frog is boiling, see the symptoms of Boiling Frog Syndrome, or check out my latest book tour schedule, please visit www.isyourfrogboiling.com.